Sometimes, I don’t think I’ll make it. That I’ll kind of just, dissipate, scatter into the everywhere. And no one will remember. Where my hands have crossed, where I laid my eyes, and it just stood there hoping they’d look back. But they don’t. But I’ll always have the vision of it. And to think of everything. Man, so much people I’m so eager to meet. Even if half the time I’m avoiding them, or that I don’t have the “people skills” necessary to fixate on meeting the people that will make me realize more than, what you see now. 

I plan for recovery, wait. No. That was too dramatic, there’s nothing to recover from. Nothing. I need to grow. I need to get up. I’m still on the zero. Sometimes I want to believe there’ll be a hero out to save me from myself, but man. I think it’s fair to say I’m alone in this one. But one things fucking for sure. I need to stop letting myself think I need someone else to make me happy. Fucking tainted mind of mine. Stop. You must stop. You don’t need them. They don’t need you. Not yet, not now. Not then, and maybe in the future when I actually have something to offer. 

You mustn’t want someone as useless as me, as hopeless as me. When hope has built itself without daunting arrogant pedestals. I’ll call out, but as of now. I need to move on from being a boy. I need to become a man. I want to do this for myself, even without a father figure, role model, the guidance that was half non-existing but I need to be strong. Thai needs to be strong, clench your fists. Keep bleeding, but don’t let it go so far. 

What I do know, I can dream pretty far out there. I can overthink, but lost the way of simple thought. But if you can think, surely there must be somewhere you can stop yourself and just move forward. We couldn’t just look straight, without wondering if someone was looking at us from the peripheral. But I understand, that shit like that is not easy, but damn near god and lucky. 

And then I think about it even more. I realize how much I criticize myself, how negative I am against myself. I must fall in love with myself, and no. Not by the means of being vain, by the means of standing up tall. Clenching your jaws, looking straight at them. We can’t ever begin to achieve something as great as what our own lets ourselves be. We need to believe it. We need to hope for it. I don’t want to let my hope disintegrate any longer. God, I’m trying so hard to let my hope stay burning strong. You need to live on, if I’m going to live on. No matter how much they push you down. How much they want to make you think that you’re a good for nothing worthless piece of shit. 

I’m something. Change a mind, change the world.